Snippets From The Sermons

by David Friend

 

As the presidential primaries draw to a close, it is time to begin the healing. To that end, vanityfair.com is pleased to provide selected excerpts from a variety of sermons—words of comfort and compassion and outreach—slated to be delivered this weekend from a cross-section of American clerics of disparate denomination.

"We need a president with vision, one who will vow to remain in Iraq not just one hundred years, nay, but one thousand years. Lo! Onto the next millennium."

"We need a president, Dear Lord, who will bridge that gap not merely between black and white, yellow and brown, red and tan, but also between sepia and beige, charcoal and ochre, slate and burnt sienna."

"We need a president who is just like us! A red-blooded American male—preferably an elderly white one—who's been tortured like Job, deprived of his freedoms, and trapped for five years in a war he doesn't fully comprehend."

"We need a president, oh my people, who asks not what we can do for our country, but what other countries, come to think of it, have done for our country lately."

"We need a president who's setting the pace, not re-setting his pacemaker."

"We need a president, heaven help us, without irony, without nuance, without the world-weary, chardonnay-swilling, post-modern cynicism that undermines America's boundless, groundless optimism."

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