By Dewey Cheetham
In an unusual Sunday press conference Acting CDC Director Dr. Richard Bresser confirmed that the dreaded "Elephant Flu" virus has been identified in 26 states, "This is the same strain that first identified in Wheeling, West Virginia on Feb 9, 1950, when Senator McCarthy babbled the following, 'The State Department is infested with communists. I have here in my hand a list of 205—a list of names that were made known to the Secretary of State as being members of the Communist Party and who nevertheless are still working and shaping policy in the State Department' most rational people new that a serious mental disease had entered in the public square, it continues to this day".
CDC epidemological experts believe that the number of people that are at risk for the flu has declined considerably because they have been getting such large doses of it over the last 8 years.
The CDC has issued the following bulletin listing the 5 stages of development of the Elephant Flu
Elephant Flu - 5 Stage Matrix
The stages of Elephant Flu are classified as hyperaccumulative, in that as the disease progresses the additional stages are added to the previous stages and do not supersede them. It is common for patients to exhibit all 5 stages of the disease. The symptoms generally follow a standard progression and are obvious in their stasis but in some cases the later stages are so pronounced that it is thought that they skipped earlier stages. The symptoms exhibit both chronic and remitting behavior and almost never relapsing although it generally gets more pronounced in 2 year cycles. It almost always is accompanied by serious failure of the histauthentic lobe of the cortex resulting in constant confusion of historical facts.
Stage One - Extreme Political Ego/Narcissistic Transmodulation
Identifying Characteristics The affected person begins to transpose individual experience with metaphysical truth. For example if a person has a bad experience at a post office they might express it with the following comment "The Government is the Problem we should dismantle Department of Education." There is also a transposing of personal interests with both the individual's own larger group interest and historical fact. One of the most common manifestations with this is "The Founding Fathers were both good evangelical Christians and Capitalists". (note 1)
Notable Occurrencess The first recordedoccurrencee was McCarthy'sinsistencee, without any independent evidence, that the US Army had tortured and denied the German soldiers who had murdered 90 American serviceman at Malmedy a fair trial.(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malmedy_massacre ) Later this mumbo jumbo would be completely inverted and used by commentator Bill O'Reilly to assert that the Americans had executed German POWs (none of the Germans convicted of these crimes and sentenced to death actuallyreceivedd the death penalty.
Stage Two - Logic Impairment
Identifying Characteristics When they are speaking normal people get severe headaches. They frequently take statements that have an element of truth expand the parameters until what seems like a statement that has a logical foundation becomes absurdity. For example, stating that tax reduction has a stimulative effect is logical when the variable tax rate can reach 60% but becomes increasingly illogical when the rate goes down. If it were true at all rates then a tax reduction of 9% on a 10% rate would be stimulative, which of course it is not.
Notable Occurrences
When Republicans move their lips.
Stage Three Apocalyptic Collapse Syndrome
Identifying Characteristics: The affected person becomes hysterical and links everyday events to end of the world with a perpetualeschatologyl interpretation that ascribes final "end of the world" epochal signs to normal everyday occurrences.
Notable Occurences: They can be seen daily on The Glenn Beck Show, even other affected people like O'Reilly consider him beyond treatment http://pushingrope.blogspot.com/2009/02/glenn-becks-cra... . The affected person becomes delusional (here comparing Hitler and Jesus http://crooksandliars.com/2007/09/24/glenn-beck-jesus-a... ) and also show signs of megalomania (here arguing for a NAZI style Final Solution on all 'Islamic Extremists' http://crooksandliars.com/2007/11/06/glenn-becks-final-... )
Stage Four Group Purification Syndrome
Identifying Characteristics: The infected sub group goes through a kind of obsessive nit picking and name calling among its own infected group in a relentless effort to achieve sanctity through purification not dissimilar to an OCD patient repeatedly washing their hands.
Notable Occurrences:
See Goldwater vs. Rockefeller, Reagan vs. Ford, and the current Steele vs. everyone vs. Gingrich vs. Palin.
Stage Five - Batshit Crazy
Identifying Characteristics: You will know it when you see it:
Notable Occurrences:
Too extensive to detail but since the original symptoms shown by Joe McCarthy there have been thousands of examples. Here are some recent examples showing geographic spread of the syndrome;
"I'm a foreign correspondent on enemy lines and I try to let everyone back here in Minnesota know exactly the nefarious activities that are taking place in Washington." Michelle Bachman
George Lambus, candidate (R) for Mayor of Jackson, MS
"Crime can only be alleviated by a noose and a stout tree limb. I will provide the noose."
Fox's Megyn Kelly asks ACORN spokesman: "You're going to send child rapists out to conduct the census?
http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://4.bp.blog...
Arguably the worst case to date:
Preventative measures; No prophylactic regime is known to have an effective barrier for the disease. The best preventative step is to stay away from small groups of close minded uneducated fearful people. Try and stay engaged with open minded well educated people with an altruistic mindset interested in history who are capable of transcending their own personal experiences and deal with complex abstract thoughts.
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