Top 9 best new drugs

One pill makes you larger, and one pill makes you small. Take one, take them all!

Researchers are reporting that an experimental drug can mimic the results of an exercise regimen — with no exercise required. [Called "the couch potato experiment,"] after four weeks of taking the pill, mice who hadn't worked out displayed a 44 percent increase in their running endurance. —Wired

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1. Scientists at the Ronald Reagan School for Pschyoeconomic Paroxysms have reportedly developed a new drug that, after just a few weeks, induces random bouts of forgetfulness combined with the ability to reverse ideological direction in an instant, most notably when large amounts of cash are placed directly in front of the face.

   Code-named "the McCain," users report random outbreaks of very bad jokes coupled with an extremely combative nature, acute desire to detonate large explosive devices across multiple desert nations and a general feeling that the real problem with the world today is all the gul-dang gay young peacenik whippersnapper environmentalists who like to rub their iPods all over their Googles. Common prescription: "Take two McCains and call me in 1957."

2. Following research at Harvard and McGill universities where scientists have been testing new drugs that "delete" bad memories, researchers in Washington, D.C., have found a new compound that tricks the brain into believing great progressive accomplishments are being made and tremendous strides have been taken to reverse all sorts of previous damage, when in fact very little has been done and mostly what's happening is a lot of general whimpering wrapped in a great many false gestures, all while promising even more super-positive changes ahead, but if only someone really good steps in as leader and tells everyone what to do.

   Introduced to great excitement and fanfare when it first hit the market in November of 2006, "the congressional Democrat" has only proven moderately effective as a radical stimulant, and is currently considered a big, fat disappointment.

3. Drug researchers in Gnowangerup, Australia, are reporting successful Stage II testing of a rather sour new pill known as "The Gawker" (also known as "PWND," "OMG," "Get a Life," "Perez Hilton"). A neural inhibitor that blocks cognitive maturation, this new drug reportedly affects speech patterns and triggers an alarming increase in jackassianic peptides in the brain, the chemical most associated with extreme self-absorption, chronic masturbation, general mean-spiritedness and excessive use of the word "whatEVs."

   Time-released. Effects reportedly last approximately six years, roughly from ages 19-25, at which time serious users suddenly awaken to fact of own adorable irrelevance, write vacuous memoir, take job as assistant manager of American Apparel outlet in south Jersey shopping mall.

4. Ironically, just a few years ago, this global toxin was thought to be generally harmless, albeit a huge irritant. Now "the Bush," secretly developed by teams of starved eunuchs in the dungeons of the GOP research labs between the years 1950 to 1998 and whose real toxicity only became known on Sept. 12, 2001, is widely regarded as "the bitterest pill we've ever had to swallow."

   Set to expire in January 2009, notable side effects include retching, fatalism, monosyllabism, spiritual coagulation, complete intellectual stasis, and a strange, painful condition known only as "squinty face." Believed to be on track to replace "the Nixon" as worst drug ever invented.

   WARNING: Contraindicated by a highly volatile ointment — "the Cheney" — containing shards of glass and the blood of insane Amazonian scorpions, which induces instant shriveling of any living tissue with which it come into contact.

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2008/08/08/notes080808.DTL

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