by Ed Naha
As 2008 stumbles to the finish line like the last member of "The Wild Bunch" to eat the dirt, it's time to pause and reflect on the past twelve months. Yet, how to do so without using George Carlin's famous "Seven Words" a thousand times in five minutes? There's only one course to take. It's time for the "2008 'WTF?' Awards!
THE GOP BIG (TENT?) PLANTATION AWARD goes to RNC candidate Chip Saltsman who sent out a Christmas gift CD to committee members including the song "Barack the Magic Negro." It was part of a handful of right-wing parody tunes with the umbrella title "We Hate the USA." Saltsman is reportedly surprised at the subsequent uproar. Insiders say that he's secretly relieved he didn't send out his first gift choice: "The Songs of Al Jolson in Blackface."
THE "I GOT A ROCKET IN MY POCKET" AWARD is bestowed upon CIA operatives in Afghanistan. In an attempt to win the loyalty of grizzled warlords, the agents are giving them the gift of Viagra. In an effort to win the loyalty of warlords' wives, they are giving them running shoes and a six-hour head start.
THE "THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS" PRIZE goes to economics whiz Rush Limbaugh who, shortly after the election, declared: "The Obama recession is in full swing, ladies and gentlemen. Stocks are dying, which is a precursor of things to come. This is an Obama recession. Might turn into a depression." He then forecast a return of zeppelin travel and told his maid go get more of his special take-out.
THE BOP 'TILL YOU DROP AWARD goes to Lt. General Ricardo Sanchez who, back in 2003, authorized loud music to be played 24/7 for months at a time at Gitmo in order "to create fear, disorient…and prolong capture shock." Among the artists on the recently revealed Git Parade are Queen, AC/DC, Pentera, Nine Inch Nails and the cast of "Sesame Street." This past year, Gitmo guards began to complain of side effects. "It's not easy being green," declared one. On the plus side, they'll be primed for the new "Torture Me, Elmo" doll due next year.
THE "DEAL OR NO DEAL" CONSOLATION PRIZE goes to Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich who was caught trying to sell Barack Obama's Senate Seat to the highest bidder. "Blago" didn't believe in the soft sell approach: "I've got this thing and it's fucking golden, and I'm just not giving it up for fuckin' nothing. I'm not gonna do it. And I can always use it. I can parachute me there," he said, putting the kibosh on a future career in advertising. ("Hi. I'm a Mac. And I'm a fucking P.C!")
THE ORIGINS OF FECES GOLDEN PLUNGER is awarded to McCain/Palin poster child "Joe the Plumber" Wurzelbacher, who is neither named "Joe" nor is a licensed plumber. Currently working on a book, Joe revealed that being on the campaign trail with McCain "appalled" him and made him feel "dirty." The proposed title of his tome is "I Don't Know Shit."
THE TURN THE OTHER CHEEK PRIZE goes to president-elect Barack Obama who, honoring The Golden Rule, asked controversial preacher Rick Warren to say the prayer at Obama's Inauguration.
THE SIZE NINE BETWEEN THE CHEEKS AWARD is given to all of Obama's shocked supporters who find Warren's brand of Christianity as appetizing as rat's ass-on-a-stick.
THE VERY INTERESTING – NOT! Certificate of Merit is given en masse to nervous investors who've recently snapped up $30 billion of four-week T-Bills that boast a zero interest rate. That's right. Zero. On the plus side, the T-Bills have a higher rating than Bush.
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