Wednesday, July 8, 2009

A “To Do” List for God Damned Young People

 
by Donald Mills

It seems to me that young people don't accomplish a Hell of a great deal in a 24-hour period.

 

The Daily "To Do" List For God Damned Young People

Task

Done

Haul your ass out of bed at noon, scratch your furry ass and then start grousing that there isn't a hot breakfast waiting for you.    

 

 

Eat anything that isn't nailed to the floor and leave a filthy mess in the kitchen as a symbol of your outrage over "the unfairness of life."  

 

 

Ride your damned skateboard around in front of a senior's house. Spit every 7 seconds and make sure that every other word out of your mouth is an obscenity.    

 

 

Spend an hour in the shower in order to "decompress" from the stress of having to microwave your own breakfast and live rent free in your parents' basement.    

 

 

Be ironic (but don't understand why you are being ironic.)    

 

 

Send a "tweet" to let people know that you just passed gas and are considering chugging a soda.    

 

 

Sulk.   

 

 

Chat online with you idiot friends. Bitch and moan because you can't find a $60 an hour entry level job as a video game tester. Consider becoming an "porn star" instead.    

 

 

Defile yourself.   

 

 

Open your bedroom windows and play god damned rap music so loud that the old man next door has to go inside, call the police and lie down with a damp washcloth on his head.    

 

 

Smoke reefers and watch cartoons in your underpants.    

 

 

Moan and complain.    

 

 

Complain and moan.    

 

 

Call your no account lazy-assed buddies and discuss possible names for the "band" you are going to form as soon as you learn how to play a musical instrument and master Guitar Hero.    

 

 

Demand that your parents give you more respect, autonomy, freedom and a drive to the Mall.    

 

 

Use your parents credit cards to buy things you don't need, won't use and that will be obsolete by the time you get them out of the package. 

 

 

"Hang out" with other reprobates. Loiter, shoplift and harass innocent old people who are shopping for reasonably priced socks.    

 

 
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